pontoporia

I'm done here.

I've been needing a break from the world anyway.

I don't know what anyone wants from me.

Tyler and I have talked a little today. I called his phone at like 1:30 and it was off. So I called his house phone. I'm surprised I did because of my anxiety. Adam kept telling me not to call and that I shouldn't reward bad behavior with a phone call. But I can't just sit by while I feel like everything is going down hill. I might see him on Friday. I don't know yet.

Pamela thinks I'm lying to her about when I took pictures with Tyler. I wore that outfit all day yesterday and then changed into a light pink shirt before dinner with my family. I even have one picture of me in the light pink shirt. Tyler changed into a nice striped button up shirt for dinner and his white shoes to match. If she doesn't want to believe me then I guess that's fine. I guess she thinks I hung out with him today.  I didn't.

I suddenly feel like I have to chose between my friends and my ex boyfriend. I think this is unfair and complete bullshit.
I shouldn't have to pick between anyone. I should be able to do what I want to do. Everyone in my life controls my life except for me. I'm fucking sick of it! Even though Tyler seriously FUCKED UP last night, I'm not going to throw everything away. I cheated on him THREE times and he kept my ass around. I can afford to give him a second chance. He's given me like....5 of them. Sure he and I have both done fucked up things in the past but that's part of growing. He makes me happy. Without him I'd NEVER be happy.

I understand that you guys and other people in my life just care about me and want what's best. But you can't make these decisions for me. I understand what happened was really crazy bu if I was Tyler I probably would have done worse. I was outside on a porch by myself with Jacob. I've cheated on Tyler three times with Jacob. Then I came inside and laughed in his face. He thought I was laughing because Jacob and I had done stuff together. We didn't do anything. Then I just kept egging him on. He spit on my face and then everyone was just staring at him. At that point of course he's feeling crazy and like shit. He was pissed and hurt and everyone was there watching him. He knew he fucked up. He didn't even know why he spat on my face. Then he just got angry and grabbed me.
I can understand everyones side but for some reason no one understands mine.

I'm sick of empathizing with everyone! No one will empathize with me!

I'm fucking sick of just trying to please every body except for myself.

I'm fucking pissed off. I'm pissed at fucking everyone.
I can't be myself. I can not be myself around anyone. I can be myself around Tyler. But look at how that is right now!! 
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

I spent two years trying to make a person understand me. I spent two years explaining myself. Explaining every little move, ever little word, every little phrase, every little emotion.

I've never felt so completely alone and messed up.

I'm to the point where I don't care if I'm dead or alive either way.

I was spit on and then grabbed at the neck. I don't even get an apology. Last week I was bruised and flung like a little rag doll. I don't even get an apology. Instead I'm apologizing. I'm always apologizing. It's always me.

No one on this planet earth makes me want to kill myself like him. He makes me crazy. Right now I just want to shower.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me.


I'm too afraid to tell anyone in my family what happened. I'm too afraid of what they'll say. I know what they'll say. They'll tell me I'm not allowed to be with  him. The same way Pamela said he's not allowed over at her place ever again.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I just want to die right now. Reallly I do.
My big brother picked me up and brought me home.

My mom and dad just came home. I feel really really happy around my family. They make me feel so good. Just being with them. It's like a normal fucking family. It's amazing. We laugh. We have fun. It's so different now.
Right now were literally talking about old toys we had when we were little.
I'm happy here. I want to live at home.
:( It wouldn't matter anyway. My mom and little brother are moving out of here in two weeks. God. :( I can't deal with anything. I just want to hide. I want to crawl in a hole and hide forever.

The only reason the stupid boy in my art class is attractive is because there are no other boys besides a gay one and weird quiet one.
The only reason he is attractive is because he talks to all of the girls. The only reason he is attractive is because he's something that I would have to work really hard for to get.
I don't even like him. He annoys me. He acts weird. He's good at art. But we share nothing else in common.

I don't know why I even think about other boys sometimes.

I'm perfectly happy with Tyler. I don't know why I feel the need to fill my gaps caused by my mood swings with boys.

I don't know why I suddenly fell into depression but I sure as fuck watched it happen. It was weird.

I'm so crazy. I really truly would give anything to live on my own island. An island with palm trees and coconuts. I'd build a hut and live there all alone. And die.

I don't know how to even explain what I'm feeling right now. I wish I could. I slept for over 5 hours but I still feel tired.
I feel like I'm going to cry but I don't even know what about.

I'm sick of caring so much about everything. I used to be so laid back and just thinking about who I used to be makes me want to cry. I used to love my people skills and my laid back personality. I was so glowing and magnetic that all of my friends grades would go from A's to B's and even C's. Now, that's not a good thing but when it comes to happiness and being stress free, I did all of them a great favor.

I want to become who I was. The one that didn't care what other people though. The one that thought only nice things about people. It's like I was in my own world. Nothing bothered me, really. My life goal was to make everyone I came into contact with, laugh. I was the class clown. I was fun.

Today I didn't take my ADHD medicine. I think I made my art teacher mad. lmfao. I don't care. It was a glimpse of the old me. I was cracking people up and not caring about what people thought. At least that's how it was going. Then I started getting really upset, thinking about what everyone was thinking. Then I was having a panic attack. Then I just let it all go and goofed off more. Me and Caty were being pirates and choping each other with sticks. I enjoyed it.
But my mind gets the best of me and makes me second guess every little move I made.

I'm sick of caring. I'm so sick of caring. I just want to be myself. Who am I trying to impress? Who am I trying to be? Who am I worried about? I WANT TO BE MYSELF.

You know today, I was eating lunch with Tyler.
There was a table of people sitting across from us. It was all guys and two girls. They had crazy hair and pierced lips. I loved them. I wanted to sit with them. Tyler was like "Those kids are weeeird." I was like "I want to sit with those kids." I'm slowly finding my identity and just being able to feel what I felt for them today was amazing. Seeing them made me want to rebel. I don't want to be anything like the sorority girls or the nerd girls. I wanted to be friends with the group that was at the table. I want to be friends with the boys that have lip rings that stare at mine too. I get weird stares sometimes when I'm walking around campus but all of the weird ones are worth it just to have one guy dressed in black n' red with a lip ring to stare at me in a not weird way.

I haven't found my college friends yet. I've tried a few out. They're definitely not right for me at all. I'm slowly finding places to fit in. It's just the introducing myself part...

Guess what?





I don't care.

Edit:
I was blown off by two friends today. :) It made me happy.
Tyler and I couldn't be better.
I haven't been taking my medicine so I've been eating and I've been slacking off on school work.
I've been really really forgetful lately.
I dyed my hair black. It wont last. I need to buy tons and tons of black hair dye. It's what I love.
I'm tired.

I love it when we talk.




I don't know how much more proof people need, when we die, we die. That's the end. We decompose. There's nothing more. I don't believe in God and I never will.
I just don't understand why we can't see what's right in front of our faces.
People create superheros but why can't anyone see, WE ARE SUPER HEROS.  When we are cut, our bodies heal those wounds. It may not be in four seconds but it happens. We may not run at the speed of light, but we run...and we run fast. We have all of these abilities just not exaggerated. Why does no one else see the amazing things our bodies do? Why do I feel so alone about this? I'm freaking thinking and typing. That's amazing in itself. Why does no one see that?

When we are born, we are born. It's as simple as that. When we breathe, we breathe. When we die, we die. I don't understand why no one else sees what I see.

I just don't understand why no one else understands.

EDIT:
Tyler, I'm trying so hard to find that certain person that we were talking about. I've been trying for a long time. I still have yet to find someone to click with...
but I realized, that I have you. And I'm not sure that I even need anyone else. That's what you're for, right?

I want coke. I want coke. I want coke. I want coke. I want coke. I want coke. I want coke.

I want COKE.

Tomorrow morning...I'm snorting my adderall.

I'm so excited. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I'd do it now but I know I can't. I can't wait.

I have art tomorrow! YAY!

I hate the world. lmfao. haha. I'm so happy though.  I don't understand what's wrong with me.

I'm going to crash from this. I'm not thinking logically...but I KNOW! I'm going to crash from this high!
This random mental high!!!!!!!!

I HATE THE WORLD.

I HATE THE WORLD! 

:) HEHEHEHEHE. I HATE THE WORLD!!!

I'm crazy! :) I KNOW IM CRAZY!!! :) 

:D AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I'm so hyper and happy.

AND I HATE EVERYTHING!! :D!

I'm full of hate.


So go away.

:( I'm just a little stressed.

Tyler and I are doing amazing.

I told him about Jake and I kissing on Thursday night. It was awful telling him. I know I hurt him.
I've never been in so much trouble before. Oh well. I'm always in trouble. I've never been so afraid of myself before. I was acting weird all weekend. I was super depressed and kept having crying spells. Tyler would say one little thing and I'd just explode.
Now I'm feeling fresh and happier. I'm very tired though. My roommate and her 27 year old boyfriend were both stoned, watching t.v. and chomping down on food last night until 1:30.
I barely got any sleep this weekend.

Yesterday was weird.
Tyler was angry. More like raging. He was grabbing me and holding me down. Then he was trying to pull me off the bed. More like...rip me off of the bed. I was afraid of him. He was scary as fuck. I didn't know what to do. My arms bruised from him grabbing my arms so hard. I'm not saying he's abusive or anything stupid like that. I'm just saying he has anger problems. He randomly has an episode like this and I'm always terrified of him. My normal tyler wouldn't hurt a fly then next thing I know he's grabbing me as hard as he can and trying to fling me around.
I don't blame him. I blame myself. He wouldn't have been upset if it weren't for me.
I bring a lot of pain into his life.

But we're better than ever now. We've talked..... a lot...

I'm so depressed. Today was an okay day. Boring classes. Me confused as fuck. Hanging out with Tyler.

Tylers dad is having an affair.

I said that a few months ago but no one believed me. I even felt horrible for saying that I thought so. Last week Tyler called his dad and some woman was talking to his dad in the background and then she went silent when his dad started talking. Tonight his mom was in bed because she has work EARLY in the morning. His dad kept texting. Then he got a phone call when he answered it you could hear her voice. "Heeey"
I about died. Tyler and I just looked at each other while his dad walked outside of the house.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I hate saying it but I told you so. I feel fucking terrible. I hurt for Tyler. He wont cry over it but I sure as fuck did.

It seems like everything in my life is falling apart.
I'm falling apart. I can't deal with this. I'm not an adult but I keep getting smushed into adult situations. My parents are getting a divorce and now Tylers parents probably will too. Tylers going to talk to his dad tomorrow.
I hurt for Tylers mother too. She has no idea...NO IDEA. All she does is works and waits for her husband to come home every two to three weeks. He's always away on work....which is another reason I knew he was having an affair. All she does is wait for him. She focuses all of her time and energy in him. She makes sure that her work schedule works out so that when he comes home she can spend every minute with him.
I just want to cry.
I want to ball up and vanish. I can't deal with any of this. I'm cutting myself. I'm wanting to die multiple times a day.

I have so much pressure on me! I fucking split my parents up! I've known about Tylers dad having an affair and I haven't done a damn fucking thing! I'm forced to live in a little fucking room with a person who constantly uses my things without asking. I'm far away from anything and everything I care about... and I'm expected to do good in school. My 2 year relationship with my boyfriend is hanging on by a thread! I've lost all hope.

I've lost all hope.

I really confuse myself.

Why do I do that? Why do I go back? Every time. Every single time. It's like inevitable. It's hard. It's depressing. It's fun. It's exciting. It's different. It makes me happy.

I love him.
I love him.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I really don't. I just know I'm crazy. I wish people would believe me when I say that. I'm out of my mind. I'm fucking weird. Maybe I was born from Aliens? I wish.

I miss Pamela. She about killed me on the inside last night. She's so sad. Why is she so sad? I wish I could help. Same goes for Jacob.
If I could, I'd take everyones pain and pour it into myself. I'd take it all away. I'd suck it in and hold my breath. I'd never let it out.

I have algebra and I don't want to go. I hate math. Fuck.

I'm finding it harder and harder to explain myself. Harder to rationalize myself. Harder to give reasons for why I am the way I am.

I'm finding it harder to understand myself.

I miss it. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm afraid to say anything. I'm afraid of this. I want it but I don't want to get hurt. I don't want anyone hurt. I crave it. Make it go away! No. :( I like it a lot. I like that it happens.

Somethings wrong with me. This has been such a fucked up week. I've been crazy as fuck. I can't stop getting depressed and then really fucking happy. The world is fucking perfect and then I fucking hate the world. I'm so fucked up. fuck fuck fuck. How many times could I possibly say that word?

I'm lame. I really don't know what's wrong with me.

I could still feel the alcohol this morning. It was fun at first until I crashed right in the middle of spanish. I think mixing adderall and alcohol was bad. I was shaking more in class this morning than usual. I think I'm stupid.

You know what I will never forget?


All of the times people have hurt me.

I'll never get over it. It's not even about holding grudges. It's about what I personally can and cannot handle. I will never get over people hurting me. What they say/said and what they do/did replays in my head over and over every day. Past and present. 24/7.
I'll never forget.

Especially since throughout my entire life I rarely get/got apologies when they're truly deserved.

Don't think that I don't remember because I do and I always will.

You know what I will never forget?

The people who were there to make me feel better when other people were hurting me. I will never forget those people or their compassion. What they say/said and what they do/did runs through my head over and over. Past and present. 24/7.

Don't think that I don't remember because I do and I always will.

I decided that I'm moving to a private journal soon. I don't know what the name will be yet. I'll of course let you all know.


I'm Rose. I'm have disorders. If you're still around by now then I think you should know me a little. If you're still around I think you just might get me a little. If you're still around I hopefully can trust you. That's why I'd like to go back to a private journal. To have my real friends around.
Ever since lovesdesire deleted me on Greatestjournal, I've had trouble trusting a lot of people....as if I didn't already have enough trust issues. Now I think I'm ready to go back because although I still have nothing to hide, I'd like to keep my journal special and not just something any ole person can read...including Jennifer Graham if she were to ever come across my journal. I'd like to have a private journal to show you guys how special you are to me.

EDIT:
I just realized I haven't been throwing up. Holy shit.

Edit:
I'm honestly so suicidal right now. I've been trying so hard to hold it in. This whole week has just been bad. I'm finding myself losing hope in everything. Nothing seems to have any point anymore. I feel done with the world. I feel like there's nothing left. I'll always be alone.
But I'm trying so hard to push it out of my head. To let it go. To forget it. It's hard, that's all.

I have a lot of anger towards a person in my life.
Or a person who isn't in my life really.

At this point, I just want them out of my life because all they do is cause me grief after all I've done is poured my heart and soul into them.
I hate everything that goes along with this person.
I hate the feelings. The friends. The drama. I hate the entire bubble that seems to float around this person.

I'm sick of it. Literally.

Anyway! :)
Today in Drawing class my professor told us to grab our charcoal drawings out of the graded stack and hang them up on the wall. I was embarrassed. I didn't want to hang it up!! I said to the girl standing next to me, Ashley "Is this for a grade, because if not, then I sure as heck don't want to do it." lmfao. My teacher was RIGHT BEHIND ME. He made a little cough noise and I turned red. Then he went over to his desk and came back. He said "Okay class, since so many people are missing today, I'm going to give you a grade on this for participating." I wanted to giggle. He's quirky that way.
So everyone hung theirs up and I was last to do it. I was over in the far right bottom corner and mine was the only one that was crooked. It made me happy that way though.
We hadn't even begun critique yet when this guy in my class named Dawson started talking about mine. It made me feel so good because my teacher and Dawson and a few other people were just having a field day with my piece. Ashley turned to look at me and said "Wow Rose you're getting all sorts of compliments." I was bright red again. I was the last to go up and talk about my piece because I was...the bottom far right. So I get up there and my heart just starts pounding. It took me by surprise. I was scared. I could barely pay attention to what I was doing because I was so focused on my heart. It was so hard and so loud. I was having a huge panic attack. Apparently everyone could tell. I'm SURE I was red again. AND a small group of girls kept saying "awwww" Apparently I looked just as frightened as I was. My teacher was like "Can you point out any good things about your picture?" I said "Uhmm. No, but I can show you my mistakes." And the girls were like "AWWW" And they awwww'd about 5 different times to my different responses. It was all so awkward. I felt like a dog with my tail between my legs. But everyone said really nice things about my picture instead of making polite suggestions like they did to everyone else. It made me feel really nice about myself. What I find funny is that Dawson kept talking about mine. My favorite picture was Dawsons. The style he strives for is how I draw. The style I strive for is how he draws. It's weird. I'm too afraid to tell him but I will eventually.

Last class in Psychology my teacher was talking about sayings like "You can't have your cake and eat it too." He was asking the class what the sayings meant. And there was one saying that I don't remember but finally a girl explained it. He was like "RIGHT! The people that are quiet are the deep thinkers. They take in everything and search for a deeper meaning." While he said that he was just STARING at me. It wasn't a weird stare. He was TELLING me. He was pointing out that I'm a deep thinker. "Rather than the kids that blurt out and answer questions all of the time." He and I have a weird silent relationship. He rewards me with little things like this all of the time but no one knows it. I'm sure he does it to other kids too but he doesn't do it to all of them. He's known my name since the first day of class when I had to turn the lights off. He acknowledges me and understands me.

I'm doing great in every class except math. Yeah. Big surprised. Not.

I started my period today. I knew last week when I was having the hiccups that it was time.

It's already thinning out.

I've been really sick lately. Sick as in mentally and emotionally. I've just been falling to pieces. I don't know why. I can't stop it. It's horrible and I'm sick of crying.

My roommate just asked me if I was okay. I've never cried in front of her but the puffy eyes and red nose give it away.

I wish Tyler and I could be together. Until then I think I'll stay this way. A complete wreck.

You'd think I had leukemia with all of the sleep I've been getting.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been sooo tired. I've been eating too!  Not a ton of eating but...like...normal healthy eating.
I slept for...24 minus 6....
uhhh..
18!!! I slept for 18 hours yesterday.
Sunday I had had PLENTY of sleep and I was tired the entire day. At times I was falling asleep.

Maybe it's the depression. I don't know.

Basically to summarize why I was so upset yesterday..
Stuart apparently was going to take me to court because I'm a "stalker"
Some bullshit that Maleah told me.  She said he filed a summons against me.

Anyway I ended up calling my old guy friend Cody. I ended up crying. Cody was like "Woah, wait, are you upset over this??" I was like "Yeah.."
Then he was like "Rose..Rose...do you think Stuart really gets on the computer? I am with him RIGHT now. I'll talk to him. I can't right now but I will later. Don't worry, don't worry. I'll take care of it." He said some more really nice things too.
The thing that surprises me is that me and cody had a falling out like a year or two ago. He was nicer to me on the phone than Cailen was.

So basically from the impression that cody gave me, stuart doesn't even get on the computer. Which would make sense for Stuart not remembering me, his facebook status always says "loves his wife", his user name on facebook is "Stuie", and he and maleah both type the same.  I just thought they were both idiots. So it's been her this whole time.

I feel better.

I have great friends.  I love all of you. But especially my Pamcake. She watches out for me.

I'm about to kill myself.

I don't know why but at 9:00 I slipped into the most awful depression. I knew I'd be sad I just realize how upset I'd be.
I can't stop crying. I can't even count how many times i've started and stopped.
I'd give anything to feel better right now.
My heart hurts. It literally hurts. It's all too much. I can't keep doing this.

Tyler loves me. I love him. But it feels like he's killing me, slowly but surely. I don't understand why he can't see that when he looks at me crying to him.

Jacob just wrote back to me but I'm too emotional to write to  him right now.

I can't keep going from Conway to Little Rock. Little Rock to Conway.
I can't do it. It's awful. No one understands.

I'm so sad right now. I wish I'd stop crying. I look like a weirdo.